> After almost twenty years of baldness, Harry finally decided to splurge on an expensive, human-hair wig – after all, four hundred dollars to look twenty years younger was a small price toupée.
Now, that joke could have been written any time in the last century. But nobody thought of it until 2019. So never worry that there aren't any good ideas left.
I worked circuses and cruise ships as a teenager. That’s an old joke. Well used, but old. “What do you call a cheap wig?”
YeGoblynQueenne 1627 days ago [-]
A small price toupee.
But if you're not careful, that may look like a cheap entry fee for a public toilet.
mcguire 1627 days ago [-]
"Good".
VladimirGolovin 1628 days ago [-]
Found a nice Lisp snippet:
"All I can say is that I have never been so insulted (even by the likes of my moronic sister (who seems to delight in making me uncomfortable (and she is so good at it, knowing just how to push my buttons (which I think is a skill that all siblings possess to some extent (which I believe proves some sort of genetic link (despite the fact that I really enjoyed genetics in school (relating on so many levels to Gregor Mendel and his peas (but of course peas make me gag, since my throat swells when I eat them)))))))) as I was by someone suggesting that I have ADD."
YeGoblynQueenne 1627 days ago [-]
I was expecting that to end with "as I was by someone suggesting that I have a Lisp".
chki 1628 days ago [-]
Actually one could argue that the sentence structure resembles ADD symptoms in a way.
sparky_z 1628 days ago [-]
That's definitely the exact joke they were going for.
chki 1628 days ago [-]
Yes, now that you say it it's pretty obvious.
jandrese 1627 days ago [-]
Are you saying that LISP has ADD...
Sniffnoy 1628 days ago [-]
Already linked in a reply by shantly, but see also the Lyttle Lytton contest, which requires entry be short rather than rambling on: http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html
reitzensteinm 1628 days ago [-]
Wow, this is awesome. Made an entry for next year for the Dark & Stormy category, which seems to exist by virtue of the rules discouraging you from using it:
It was a Dark & Stormy night in Chiang Mai, with monsoon weather rapidly setting in only those up to no good dared brave the streets, however in Sacramento where this book is set it was actually a fairly pleasant afternoon.
ksaj 1627 days ago [-]
That looks like a run-on sentence as well. After "streets" should either be a period, or at least a semi-colon. Maybe its missing a couple of colons in the second half as well. Well done!
imagin8or 1628 days ago [-]
Congratulations?
reitzensteinm 1628 days ago [-]
Well the way this works is you can either join in the fun yourself or abstain and take the piss out of those that have a go, but I'm afraid you do have to pick a lane, imagin8or.
imagin8or 1628 days ago [-]
It was a dark and stormy lane, amidst a dark and stormy night, and down the lane shuffled a small ragged pile of clothes hiding a small and ragged child.
She approached the fork in the lane, wherein the choices led to Town and to the hamlet of Ruin.
Town held Rita's past and future, her torment and her only family. Ruin was several miles off, and on any other day she would only have glanced at that fork and dreamed. But today she had been given a wide brimmed hat by a pitying Lady, and instead of misery beneath the rags lay a tiny kernel of hope, sheltered from the rain.
As she neared the fork hope was fanned into anger, and into need, and into determination. For so many nights the rain had beat so hard against her face that she could barely see to walk, let alone to choose her path. But tonight she had just a few inches of respite, the luxury of seeing the fork for the choice it was.
Her fists clenched and her mouth set hard, her shuffle turned to a stride, and she chose her path, joining unknowingly every other shuffling wretch who before her had reached their last drop of hope and spent it taking the path to Ruin, where no one would dare to seek them.
masonic 1627 days ago [-]
I think you missed the "single sentence" constraint.
YeGoblynQueenne 1627 days ago [-]
Bah. Sentence schmentence:
It was a dark and stormy lane, amidst a dark and stormy night, and down the
lane shuffled a small ragged pile of clothes hiding a small and ragged child
(fullstop) She approached the fork in the lane, wherein the choices led to
Town and to the hamlet of Ruin (fullstop) Town held Rita's past and future,
her torment and her only family (fullstop) Ruin was several miles off, and on
any other day she would only have glanced at that fork and dreamed (fullstop)
But today she had been given a wide brimmed hat by a pitying Lady, and instead
of misery beneath the rags lay a tiny kernel of hope, sheltered from the rain
(fullstop) As she neared the fork hope was fanned into anger, and into need,
and into determination (fullstop) For so many nights the rain had beat so
hard against her face that she could barely see to walk, let alone to choose
her path (fullstop) But tonight she had just a few inches of respite, the
luxury of seeing the fork for the choice it was (fullstop) Her fists clenched
and her mouth set hard, her shuffle turned to a stride, and she chose her
path, joining unknowingly every other shuffling wretch who before her had
reached their last drop of hope and spent it taking the path to Ruin, where no
one would dare to seek them (fullstop) (like, for real)
There. FTFY.
TaylorAlexander 1628 days ago [-]
A lot of these from years past have made it in to the Linux package “fortune”. If you pipe fortune in to the program “cowsay” you can have a cow tell you a short silly comment. On all my computers I do this in the .bashrc so it happens on every new terminal. Highly recommended.
sudo apt install fortune cowsay
Then edit ~/.bashrc
Add the following line to the end of the file:
fortune | cowsay
Enjoy!
kej 1627 days ago [-]
You can do `fortune | cowsay | lolcat` for the same thing in rainbow colors.
scarejunba 1628 days ago [-]
These are so very entertaining. Haha, some of them are actually clever enough that they'd be good one-line jokes if you edit out all the stuff-to-make-it-succeed-in-this-award:
> Dropping his now-empty Remington .30-06 and tearing across the tundra after two weeks of hunting in the Alaskan wilderness in the company of none other than three-time Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt—the rustic outing being the spoils of his winning bid at the Sun Valley Country Day School live-auction fundraiser—Bart Michaelman realized with dismay that, in this particular instance, he did in fact have to outrun the bear.
ctdonath 1627 days ago [-]
That is a spin on an old joke ending with “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you.”
scarejunba 1627 days ago [-]
Yes! That's why it's funny!
cobbzilla 1627 days ago [-]
I feel obligated to copy my fave, because I just can’t stop laughing—
“Detective Wilhelm Schmidt’s raspy voice poured through the telephone receiver like a dump truck of gravel unburdening its load—much like the trucks that worked around the clock at Rohrer’s Quarry off of 1-81, transporting payloads of lime, sandstone, crushed rock, and gypsum—though with Detective Schmidt’s heavy German accent, excavation on its own would not suffice, and a second, albeit entirely different industry would need to be invoked to really paint a crystal clear picture of his voice.”
ph0rque 1628 days ago [-]
The only thing that makes them bad is how most of them ramble on and on (IMHO). They should be limited in character count, perhaps to tweet-size?
stan_rogers 1628 days ago [-]
The whole idea is based on the famous, rambling and horrible "[i]t was a dark and stormy night..." opening [0]. A character count limit is missing the point altogether.
I'm sorry, I didn't express myself clearly. If these sentences were shorter and pithier, they would qualify for the best starting sentences, since most of them are quite funny and/or intriguing. To win the first prize of the worst sentences, they need to be not only rambling (as most are), but also horrible.
The winners of a similar contest mentioned by shantly are more in the spirit of being horrible (or at least corny) while being limited in their rambling length.
Does anyone have a term for the practice of transitioning from in-universe to out-universe? A few of these sentences do that. I've always found it a little annoying. Another example is when someone asks, "Why did the so-and-so movie character do this?" and someone else wittily responds, "Because the screenwriter needed him to!" I've heard them referred to as Watsonian and Doylist respectively but I'm wondering if there are other names for it.
I can only make it so far down this page before my tears from laughing make it hard to continue.
billfruit 1628 days ago [-]
Though the contest is some kind of fun, I do find the insinuation that Lytton was a terrible writer rather unkind. His works do posess a certain gravitas, and some esp "The Last Days of Pompeii" were much influential.
DrScump 1628 days ago [-]
I think selecting him as the inspiration for painful opening sentences stems directly from the opening line to Paul Clifford:
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
This sentence gained pop-culture resonance in the Peanuts comic strip, where Snoopy repeatedly would start writing his novels with "It was a dark and stormy night." and quickly derail from there.
dwoozle 1628 days ago [-]
Huh, I kind of like that sentence and that kind of florid prose.
silveroriole 1628 days ago [-]
Yeah I’m not sure why it’s supposed to be so bad. It doesn’t stand out as being far worse than lots of other old books. The Scarlet Letter begins like this and goes on to have sentences so euphemistic and littered with commas that they need three re-reads to understand, but that’s a classic:
“A throng of bearded men, in sad-colored garments, and gray, steeple-crowned hats, intermixed with women, some wearing hoods and others bareheaded, was assembled in front of a wooden edifice, the door of which was heavily timbered with oak, and studded with iron spikes.”
StavrosK 1627 days ago [-]
That reads like the author had a surplus of commas he had to move.
baked_ziti 1628 days ago [-]
I agree. I think it's rambling but it's not horrible. I think
> It was a dark and stormy night.
or even
> It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents.
are actually excellent. I like the rest of it as well. It just shouldn't be a single sentence.
nerdponx 1628 days ago [-]
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents. At times it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets -- for it is in London that our scene lies -- rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
I'm not a professional writer but I personally like this rephrasing.
Applejinx 1627 days ago [-]
You could do 'swept up the London streets' quite easily, which saves an authorial interjection that's part of the whole Bulwer-Lytton vibe.
TheOtherHobbes 1627 days ago [-]
In a Kindle novel it would be:
London. Thunder. Rain.
dmitriid 1627 days ago [-]
Alexander Blok (Russian poet)
A direct translation:
Night, street, lamp, drugstore,
A dull and meaningless light.
Go on and live another quarter century -
Nothing will change. There's no way out.
You'll die, then start from the beginning,
It will repeat, just like before:
Night, icy ripples on a canal,
Drugstore, street, lamp.
Why is that? Does Kindle limit the number of words?
jmenn 1628 days ago [-]
He was, by all modern standards, a rather terrible writer, though _Pelham_ is rather interesting if read as throwback
eighteenth-century fiction or a precursor to detective novels. If nothing else, 'his mouth full of truth and turbot' is a rather brilliant phrase.
mcguire 1627 days ago [-]
He's Gothic, and Gothic has been out of fashion for a long time. He was apparently very popular, though.
goto11 1628 days ago [-]
I'm a bit disappointing this is not actual opening sentences from books.
dmurray 1627 days ago [-]
I thought there was a "found" category for real opening sentences, but I don't see it now. The Lyttle Lytton awards, linked elsewhere, do have a "found" division which you might enjoy.
mmettler 1628 days ago [-]
I love nearly all of these. If they were novels, I would likely read them.
Applejinx 1627 days ago [-]
I would absolutely read the grand prize winner. "he’d accidentally destroyed the phenomenon known as time, thirteen inches ago."
It would be a very, very hard book to write, and most likely pretty brain-frying to read, but I'd read the crap out of that book. One of the most experimental notions I've ever heard.
It could end with 'frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn' and 'tomorrow is another day'!
pure-awesome 1627 days ago [-]
Has a Douglas Adams quality about it; if it's possible to write a book containing an infinite improbability drive, a restaurant at the end of the universe, and a super-intelligent shade of the colour blue, it's probably possible to write this.
DrScump 1627 days ago [-]
a Douglas Adams quality
To me, it has more of a Nicholson Baker's "The Mezzanine" feel to it.
imagin8or 1628 days ago [-]
thought Mettler, raising a glass of sub-par Chardonnay that matched her gradual discontent with the world, before replacing it carefully on its coaster so as no to disturb the bear snoozing by the door.
B1FF_PSUVM 1627 days ago [-]
and again submerging into another six-year nap.
honoredb 1627 days ago [-]
Naturally, you can generate awful continuations in the same style via GPT-2.
Model prompt >>> As they sprinted together down the echoing, looping ramp of the deserted Guggenheim Museum, closely pursued by three swarthy members of the resolutely vicious Cannelloni gang, square-jawed British Royal Marine art historian/world's deadliest sniper John Savage and his voluptuous young modern art critic/Navajo linguist Samantha Silver cursed architect/interior designer/writer/educator Frank Lloyd Wright for designing such a circuitous route out of the building.
>>>
======================================== SAMPLE 1 ========================================
The fact that the entire way was over a five-pointed star of the "Stars of David," which both men had tattooed on their arms, was beside the point. Neither of them would have been deterred if their pursuers had been armed with nuclear weapons, which would undoubtedly obliterate the entire museum, as well as any of the many high-rise buildings surrounding it.
At the heart of the building is an enormous, ornate winged monolith bearing the words "
"Just the way he built this place," Savage snarled, his hands clenched, "he'd be able to make any building disappear any time he wanted."
A couple of hours later, back at work, Silver and I were finally able to catch up with fellow explorer/writer/reporter Charles Fenton, who had been in the Museum galleries earlier in the day and stayed behind to observe our conversation. "That was quite a day!" he beamed at me.
As they approached the main lobby, Savage turned and grinned, showing off his impressive, biceps-bound physique. There was a reason the gang of thugs had been lured here, he explained to Silver. There were two other entrances out to street level. "The most efficient way of crossing this place is by helicopter." He paused, eyes scanning the distance. "And that would require an army or navy to pull it off." He raised his gun and laughed. A few yards away, Savage and
Qwertystop 1627 days ago [-]
I prefer the Lyttle Lytton[1], personally. These get kind of long.
Now, that joke could have been written any time in the last century. But nobody thought of it until 2019. So never worry that there aren't any good ideas left.
"If satan had hair and ever lost it There would be hell toupee"
Literally just googled toupee jokes and every single one seems to be based on this pun.
https://upjoke.com/toupee-jokes
But if you're not careful, that may look like a cheap entry fee for a public toilet.
"All I can say is that I have never been so insulted (even by the likes of my moronic sister (who seems to delight in making me uncomfortable (and she is so good at it, knowing just how to push my buttons (which I think is a skill that all siblings possess to some extent (which I believe proves some sort of genetic link (despite the fact that I really enjoyed genetics in school (relating on so many levels to Gregor Mendel and his peas (but of course peas make me gag, since my throat swells when I eat them)))))))) as I was by someone suggesting that I have ADD."
It was a Dark & Stormy night in Chiang Mai, with monsoon weather rapidly setting in only those up to no good dared brave the streets, however in Sacramento where this book is set it was actually a fairly pleasant afternoon.
She approached the fork in the lane, wherein the choices led to Town and to the hamlet of Ruin.
Town held Rita's past and future, her torment and her only family. Ruin was several miles off, and on any other day she would only have glanced at that fork and dreamed. But today she had been given a wide brimmed hat by a pitying Lady, and instead of misery beneath the rags lay a tiny kernel of hope, sheltered from the rain.
As she neared the fork hope was fanned into anger, and into need, and into determination. For so many nights the rain had beat so hard against her face that she could barely see to walk, let alone to choose her path. But tonight she had just a few inches of respite, the luxury of seeing the fork for the choice it was.
Her fists clenched and her mouth set hard, her shuffle turned to a stride, and she chose her path, joining unknowingly every other shuffling wretch who before her had reached their last drop of hope and spent it taking the path to Ruin, where no one would dare to seek them.
It was a dark and stormy lane, amidst a dark and stormy night, and down the lane shuffled a small ragged pile of clothes hiding a small and ragged child (fullstop) She approached the fork in the lane, wherein the choices led to Town and to the hamlet of Ruin (fullstop) Town held Rita's past and future, her torment and her only family (fullstop) Ruin was several miles off, and on any other day she would only have glanced at that fork and dreamed (fullstop) But today she had been given a wide brimmed hat by a pitying Lady, and instead of misery beneath the rags lay a tiny kernel of hope, sheltered from the rain (fullstop) As she neared the fork hope was fanned into anger, and into need, and into determination (fullstop) For so many nights the rain had beat so hard against her face that she could barely see to walk, let alone to choose her path (fullstop) But tonight she had just a few inches of respite, the luxury of seeing the fork for the choice it was (fullstop) Her fists clenched and her mouth set hard, her shuffle turned to a stride, and she chose her path, joining unknowingly every other shuffling wretch who before her had reached their last drop of hope and spent it taking the path to Ruin, where no one would dare to seek them (fullstop) (like, for real)
There. FTFY.
sudo apt install fortune cowsay
Then edit ~/.bashrc Add the following line to the end of the file:
fortune | cowsay
Enjoy!
> Dropping his now-empty Remington .30-06 and tearing across the tundra after two weeks of hunting in the Alaskan wilderness in the company of none other than three-time Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt—the rustic outing being the spoils of his winning bid at the Sun Valley Country Day School live-auction fundraiser—Bart Michaelman realized with dismay that, in this particular instance, he did in fact have to outrun the bear.
“Detective Wilhelm Schmidt’s raspy voice poured through the telephone receiver like a dump truck of gravel unburdening its load—much like the trucks that worked around the clock at Rohrer’s Quarry off of 1-81, transporting payloads of lime, sandstone, crushed rock, and gypsum—though with Detective Schmidt’s heavy German accent, excavation on its own would not suffice, and a second, albeit entirely different industry would need to be invoked to really paint a crystal clear picture of his voice.”
[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_was_a_dark_and_stormy_night
The winners of a similar contest mentioned by shantly are more in the spirit of being horrible (or at least corny) while being limited in their rambling length.
http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html
Lyttle Lytton contest.
(no connection, just enjoy them)
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
This sentence gained pop-culture resonance in the Peanuts comic strip, where Snoopy repeatedly would start writing his novels with "It was a dark and stormy night." and quickly derail from there.
“A throng of bearded men, in sad-colored garments, and gray, steeple-crowned hats, intermixed with women, some wearing hoods and others bareheaded, was assembled in front of a wooden edifice, the door of which was heavily timbered with oak, and studded with iron spikes.”
> It was a dark and stormy night.
or even
> It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents.
are actually excellent. I like the rest of it as well. It just shouldn't be a single sentence.
I'm not a professional writer but I personally like this rephrasing.
London. Thunder. Rain.
A direct translation:
Night, street, lamp, drugstore, A dull and meaningless light. Go on and live another quarter century - Nothing will change. There's no way out.
You'll die, then start from the beginning, It will repeat, just like before: Night, icy ripples on a canal, Drugstore, street, lamp.
More attempts here: https://ruverses.com/alexander-blok/night-street-lamp-drugst...
It would be a very, very hard book to write, and most likely pretty brain-frying to read, but I'd read the crap out of that book. One of the most experimental notions I've ever heard.
It could end with 'frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn' and 'tomorrow is another day'!
Model prompt >>> As they sprinted together down the echoing, looping ramp of the deserted Guggenheim Museum, closely pursued by three swarthy members of the resolutely vicious Cannelloni gang, square-jawed British Royal Marine art historian/world's deadliest sniper John Savage and his voluptuous young modern art critic/Navajo linguist Samantha Silver cursed architect/interior designer/writer/educator Frank Lloyd Wright for designing such a circuitous route out of the building.
>>> ======================================== SAMPLE 1 ======================================== The fact that the entire way was over a five-pointed star of the "Stars of David," which both men had tattooed on their arms, was beside the point. Neither of them would have been deterred if their pursuers had been armed with nuclear weapons, which would undoubtedly obliterate the entire museum, as well as any of the many high-rise buildings surrounding it.
At the heart of the building is an enormous, ornate winged monolith bearing the words "
======================================== SAMPLE 2 ========================================
"Just the way he built this place," Savage snarled, his hands clenched, "he'd be able to make any building disappear any time he wanted."
A couple of hours later, back at work, Silver and I were finally able to catch up with fellow explorer/writer/reporter Charles Fenton, who had been in the Museum galleries earlier in the day and stayed behind to observe our conversation. "That was quite a day!" he beamed at me.
======================================== SAMPLE 3 ========================================
As they approached the main lobby, Savage turned and grinned, showing off his impressive, biceps-bound physique. There was a reason the gang of thugs had been lured here, he explained to Silver. There were two other entrances out to street level. "The most efficient way of crossing this place is by helicopter." He paused, eyes scanning the distance. "And that would require an army or navy to pull it off." He raised his gun and laughed. A few yards away, Savage and
[1] http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html
- Casino Royale, ST:TNG